I feel uniquely pathetic, worthless, and inconsequential. I’ve never met anyone who was this pathetic, nor have I really come across any characters in books or movies that are this pathetic, except maybe the Underground Man, but I don’t really remember that book very well at all (nor any book). I don’t try to do things. The last time I really put any effort into anything was maybe my first year of college. Since then I’ve just been floating along. I’ve maybe met people who were this lazy, but they at least had hobbies, things to occupy their time in a relatively harmless way, delusions and dreams, obsessions, romantic relationships, etc. I have none of these. I use the internet a bit but I’ve never been active on social media really (I had Twitter for a while but it was a waste of time and emotional energy), I don’t play video games, I don’t make art of any kind, I’m too lazy to get into video games, I try reading but usually end up watching a movie instead. I work at a fast-food restaurant and have the vague feeling I should be doing something else but am pretty sure I would hate most other types of work just as much as or likely more than what I do now.

One thing I spend a fair amount of time and a lot of money on is food. I’m quite a binge eater. Today I had work off so I woke up and drove through Burger King, then Krispy Kreme, then McDonald’s.

Awhile ago I was really trying to be a Christian, but I think that made me start to feel like I needed to change my life in ways that I really don’t want to: get a “more respectable job” so I can start saving up to buy a house and have a family. For a bit I was thinking about trying to pursue those things, and so I felt I could at least be around other normal people with some sincerity, but now I’m in a spot where I have no motivation and almost no desire to pursue those things and I can hardly look normal people in the eye, much less good, friendly, loving, immaculate Christians. It bugs me how fucking perfect they are sometimes. And they’re all just waiting for me to open up and tell them what I’m “going through,” so they can direct me to Jesus and God’s grace and love, and a relationship with a loving Heavenly Father who just loves you so much and cares so much about you and your life and your every decision (and that of 7 billion other people as well). Ultimately, I don’t believe in a God who would accept my existence. Basically, I’m pure evil, as evil as someone can get without going out and shooting up a school. I basically know what is true, what is good, what I should do, but I don’t do it, because I don’t want to. And no, I don’t relate to Paul. He meant “five percent of the time I do what I don’t want to do, but most of the time I’m pretty good and I follow Christ’s teachings and the spirit of the law” or whatever. I must just not be one of the elect. It’s funny actually, a couple of times recently I told someone I’m not a very good Christian, and they were like “ Oh, are you lukewarm?” And I realized that yes, I am lukewarm, or was and have now been spat out. I literally just don’t have what it takes. And I don’t have what it takes to take that step after realizing you don’t have what it takes, where you say “And I’m saved by grace.” Whatever mental motion that is, I cannot perform it. If it’s something that God does…I guess feel free bro.