Life as a Lurker

I think of myself as a lurker. I’ve always felt sort of like an outsider, but that’s such a cliche feeling that everyone has experienced on occasion, so I’ve chosen a different term that makes me seem more unique. Of course, lurking mainly describes a type of engagement with online communities. This usage definitely applies in my case. But I want to use it to describe my engagement with life in general.

I’ve come to realize that, fundamentally, I am very wary of commitment of any kind. I’m not entirely sure why that is. Probably fear of rejection or harm, or some other deep-rooted psychological tendency. I can’t really point to any experiences or trends in my early life that would lead to this wariness, so I’m really not sure. I’m also very lazy, so I’d rather just sit back and observe, because it’s easier. I’m also very…curious? Or driven to observe unique things that are new to me? Something like that. In high school, and to a lesser extent in college, I felt like an awkward weirdo, but at the same time I was sort of normal and able to interact with people on a fairly normal level. I think I could’ve formed more and deeper relationships with people if I had decided to and put my mind to it. I’ve tried many things. In college I went to different clubs and even participated in activities for a while, but I always ended up being overcome by a feeling that I didn’t really belong there. This has happened with every job I’ve had since college as well. I guess when I begin something new, I participate mostly as an observer/lurker, and then gradually because of this my feeling of being an outsider, of not belonging, escalates.

This is all fairly shallow. On a deeper level, I have felt like a lurker in terms of…my place on this earth, I guess? And my ever-changing framework of meaning, or worldview? This began mainly in college, where I studied philosophy. I would always latch onto some idea or belief, and try it out I guess, never really diving too deep. Then gradually I would lose interest and move on. I always wanted to be a writer, and sometimes I would have little ideas or responses to things that I wanted to write, but they never reached the point where I felt I needed to write about them. It’s as if I’ve never really internalized an idea or viewpoint fully and integrated it into who I am.

I’ve always felt this way about religion. I grew up Christian, and I would say I always had a decent understanding of what Christianity was about, that at it’s core has not changed for me. I think it is a radical, beautiful way of living that is probably true. And yet, I’ve never committed to it to the point where I felt like I couldn’t easily abandon it at a moment’s notice for something else more interesting and enticing. I’ve been going to church recently, and I of course feel like a lurker and an outsider there, mainly for social reasons, but I also keep wondering if I really believe what’s being said. And I honestly don’t know.

Maybe the social aspect and the deeper, commitment issue are tied together. Maybe if I were committed to a friendship or community and that led me some type of meaning-framework then it would work out better. This is sort of what I’ve been trying, but I’ve tried it many times and it’s never really worked out. But, as I’ve already said, maybe I just haven’t fully tried it, fully committed.

This is boring. I’m not a fucking writer. Lol.